Dungeons and Bullshit: Adventures of the Pummel Squad
by Xeraphan
Summary: Sometimes, all you need in life is to beat your problems to death. Sometimes you need to hire some to beat your problems to death for you. Sometimes you find someone to do it for you. That's where the Pummel Squad comes in. Join Nero, Artemis, Korra, and others as they take jobs across the Forgotten Realms. There may even be a plot to everything. Rating may change.


Nero ran a furry hand over the burnt ruins of one of the buildings. The soot darkened his white fur but he was unfazed. "What could've done this much damage…?"

**Roll me perception.**

**...NATURAL 20!**

Nero walked around the ruins a few times, letting his eyes wander all over the rubble. They landed on three sets of footprints, two sets of which looked like nothing he'd ever seen before. There were divets where claws usually go and the prints are vaguely wolf-like. The other set looked to belong to a Dragonborn, and judging from the soot on the ruins, likely a Red, Brass, or White. Most likely the one leading these wolfish beasts.

But nothing he knew for certain.

The Lapine shook his head and continued on to the Cracked Mug, the place he was supposed to go. As he walked, he looked around at the townsfolk. They all look weary and hopeless. He hoped to change that.

That _is _why he's here after all.

Nero stopped in front of the tavern. He listened closely to the commotion coming from inside.

**Roll me another perception check. With advantage since it's auditory.**

**...14. Plus 6, that's 20.**

It sounded like someone was telling a lively story inside. Nero opened the door to find an Elf woman with a greataxe at her side surrounded by a circle of bargoers all listening intently as she told a tale of how she and some other adventurers had helped a secret lab clean up an artifact mess. On the floor nearby was an unconscious Half-Orc with a thin line of blood down one side of his face.

'_Might be worth a listen._'

Artemis walked into town and the first thing she did was, of course, find the bar. Well, ask around to find the Cracked Mug and then find the bar, only to find out the Cracked Mug _is _the bar. Blah blah blah.

Point is, she found booze. And a boozed up Artemis is a happy Artemis.

Today was even her lucky day! She came in just as the barrie announced that the next round of drinks was on the house, so the Elf parked her ass on the closest barstool and ordered some Blue Firebrand Whiskey. Just as she was about to take a drink, though, a fiery-haired Half-Orc in studded armor strode up to her and grunted.

"Oi, tha's moi spot. Move yer ass or oi'll pummel ya."

"Gimme a sec," Artemis began, chugging the tankard in 3 gulps. "I'm not nearly drunk enough to listen to this shit." She wiped her mouth before going to punch the Half-Orc in the face.

**Roll to hit.**

… … … **Shit. Nat 1.**

Unfortunately, Artemis' punch missed by such a wide margin she ended up punching the person next to her. "Oh. Okay. Nevermind." She smirked and got up, ready to go again.

The Half-Orc grunted, reeled back a fist, swings, and-

**Shit. He rolled a 7 vs AC.**

**Ha! Artie has 15!**

Also misses. Instead, the ginger punched the bartop and bruised his knuckles. He definitely wasn't happy about that.

Artemis used the missed swing to answer with a punch of her own, aiming for the stomach.

**Roll with advantage.**

**What? Why?**

**Just do it.**

**Fine, fine… Oh jesus… OKAY COOL. 14 to hit.**

Her fist made contact with the leather, leaving an Artemis'-Fist sized dent in it. The Half-Orc gives a little wheeze and was dazed, but swung at Artemis' jaw.

**Rolled an 8.**

The Half-Orc, vision blurred from the booze in his system, missed Artemis by a solid few inches. He just can't quite seem to focus enough to hit her. But he's not giving up just yet.

Artemis raises her fists above her head, aiming to bash them against the Half-Orc's skull.

**Roll.**

… **HOLY SHIT, NAT 20!**

… … **Fuck me.**

The Elf slammed her clenched fists into the Half-Orc's head with an audible _CRACK_, and he fell onto the floor, hitting the side of his head on the way down.

The bar was in stunned silence. A smaller voice cheered for her victory and the bar erupted in clapping. Artemis found herself being herded to a table in the center and asked to tell everyone a story.

She was certainly happy to oblige. Artemis launched into a tall tale about how she had managed to slay an Ancient Dragon on her own.

Today was gonna be a good day.

Korra looked at the outside of the Cracked Mug with something akin to disgust. Even from where she stood, the Dragonborn could smell the foul scent of booze. It wafted from the tavern and burned her throat and nostrils. She huffed a small plume of fire and plunged inside.

There was a circle of people, presumably drunkards, sitting around and ogling a familiar Elven woman.

"Artemis? Is that you?" Korra asked, pushing through the crowd to greet her old friend. "It's been a couple years!"

The Elf woman cracked a grin. "Ho-ly shit. Korra! It's been a while, hasn't it?" She held up a flask, which the Dragonborn could tell was full of some form of alcohol. "Wanna drink?"

Korra glared at her semi-playfully. She despised alcohol in all its form as well as the people that drink it, but somehow Artemis had managed to become a good friend. "Artie, you know how I feel about that stuff. But what are you doing here? Did you take the job as well?"

The Elf's eyes glazed over for a second before she snapped to. "Oh! You mean the one about the monsters causing problems? Yeah. Did you?"

Korra nodded. The Dragonborn looked around, hoping to spot their employer. "Is the Mayor here right now?"

A diminutive man stepped forward. He was short, most likely a Halfling, with silver hair and a rather nice beard. "I am the Mayor of this town. Please, if you are the ones who accepted my cry for help, come with me." He looked at the pair of women. "Though, I was told three of you had accepted."

From behind them, a voice spoke out.

"Yeah. Three people did accept. I'm the third." A Lapine stood up, brushing a small amount of dirt off his fur.

The mayor gave a small nod of approval and brought the three of them to a small room separate from the main bar and sat down facing them. "I thank you all deeply for accepting my job offer. Our town has suffered greatly at the hands of these creatures, but none of us are skilled enough to drive them off. We hoped that someone would respond, but we never imagined three warriors would respond."

"The posting sounded desperate, and I can never turn down a call for help," Korra said, puffing her chest a little. She had a genuine desire to help these people. The reputation boost was a nice bonus, though.

Artemis nodded, thinking about the village where she grew up. Besides, some of the kids at the bar were cute. "Anything I can do to help, I will."

Nero was simply watching the pair, hanging a little bit back behind them. "So, do you know where these beasts are hiding?"

**Nero, roll me… Perception and Insight.**

…**18 Perception and 12 Insight.**

Nero ran his gaze over Korra. He felt that, even though she was a Dragonborn, she wasn't the one who burned down those houses. '_Good…_'

The mayor placed three bags of gold on the table. "In each bag is 100 gold pieces. We'd offer more, but since we've struggled to keep trade stable, this is all we can offer… I hope this is enough." He sounded downtrodden like he expected them to turn the job down.

The Elf woman picked up one of the bags and handed it right back to the mayor. "I'm here to help you and your town. You can pay me once the job is done, and I only take payment in booze."

The Dragonborn smiled and handed the gold back as well. "Pay us when we've finished. I don't take alcohol, so the gold is fine."

The Lapine picked up the last bag, looked at it for a few seconds, then handed it back to the mayor as well. He didn't say much. "Hold on to it."

He nearly burst into tears, the mayor did. "Oh thank you all so much!"

The mayor showed them all to their rooms in the tavern and bade them all goodnight.

**And that's where we're gonna close it off for now.**

**Awwwww!/Come on!/What?**

**Sorry, people. Don't you worry, we'll pick it back up soon enough.**


End file.
